Whose Life am I Living?

Hello Kindness Followers! As a follow-up to my last post titled “Kindness and Our Story,” I started thinking about whose life I’m living. Now that I’m trying to figure out and live my story, I wanted to take it a step deeper and ask myself about the ways I do and do not live my life. How have I been living for others? In what ways have I not been living my life?

In order to fill the void of not living my life I kept myself busy with being busy. I created long to do lists of running errands that seemed so important, but were in fact many times pointless and meaningless, except to fill my void. If I kept busy, then I did not have the time to stop and feel how sad and worthless my life felt. Now, I not saying being a stay at home mom is unimportant, in fact, being with my children has been a gift and a blessing that I have so much gratitude for. But for me, I purposely looked for meaning in volunteering, errand running, and carpooling, instead of slowing down and asking myself what I truly wanted. I did everything for everyone else and I was left with an empty, sad, unhappy, busy, stressed-out and exhausted shell of myself. I did not know who I was, what I liked and what I thought about things. Yes, I had times here or there that were filled with happiness, but for the most part I was avoiding living my life.

Another way I have lived for others was living through my children. I justified this because I thought it was admirable. It’s the American dream to want to provide a better life for our children than we had, right? But is there a line that I have crossed? Do I push my children to do the activities that they love and are passionate about or do I push them because I want to feel a high from their achievements? Do I want them to succeed for them or so I can feel good?  Do I push my kids to learn an instrument, play numerous sports, be an A student, for them or for me? I’m sure it’s a bit of both, but is that living in kindness? And more importantly, what am I teaching them? To live for me or to listen to their needs, desires and wants? I realize children need guidance from parents, but I need to check and ask myself, is this for them, or for me?

Whose life am I living? What if I gave myself what I give to my children? What if I give myself what I want and desire? And isn’t what I want for them, what I really want or wanted?

I am now choosing to fill my life with what I am passionate about, what I desire and what I want to learn or achieve. The amazing part is, that I have more time, more energy, more patience, more love and more kindness. I am kind in my words, my actions, my touch and my interactions with family, friends, and strangers. My communication with my kids is genuinely sweet, loving and not nearly as frustrating as it used to be. I am starting to feel the type of kindness that comes from deep within. Just by giving myself what I need. I’m getting there and the only thing that has changed, is me. So here’s to living my life. Writing, blogging, dancing, listening to music, learning the piano, learning Spanish (again), long distance swimming, kindness and so much more! What do you want and whose life are you living? Life is short, but can be so sweet when we decide to be our own driver. No longer will I be a passenger in my one and only life!

Ask yourself, whose life are you living? Please leave a comment or a share about how you are living your life.

Thank you,

Jenni